Monday, June 4, 2012

The importance of having and not having a diary

A weekend of spring-cleaning in a flat I have left almost 4 years back and am not coming back to for some time yet, threw up some interesting stuff, old books, old cards, letters and an old diary which had about ten entries. This was 8-9 years back, from 2003- 2004, when I was yet to be married, and had crossed through a rough patch, coming out of it relatively unscathed apparently, but scarred in my mind, and I didnt know then, forever.
At that time I was still fresh from my 2001 accident, still coming out of the eternal cycle of treatment and hospital and pain. Personally I was going through a rather rough patch where my wedding date had to be rescheduled to a later date. Thus my original wedding date of February 2004 went unnoticed, by all but me. The poems I wrote at the time are full of heartbreak and a type of agony I cannot associate with anymore. I was so lonely. Every minute I spent at home was full of a sense of hopelessness. That has come back in phases like depression usually does, but then you pick up the pieces and move on a stronger person.
And you forget.
And then if you have written a diary, after a decade, suddenly it is brought back to you in very great detail, what every day was like. The hurt which people caused you, you go through remembering every tear, the pain of missing teeth, the helplessness of not being in control of a situation, the angst of your younger self, when you cant go back and advise, do this, dont do that...
So is it worth it, keeping a diary? Do I need to re-live all those moments once again? When we dont keep a day to day account, with our memories turning hazy with time, we remember the overall good or bad feelings of a stretch of time. Do we need to remember the details of the bad? If there has been any bitterness, do we remember the gory details of the source of that bitterness? Or is it fine to have an overall sense of negativity without much detail?
Maybe it is therapeutic? Probably going through all that again would heal deep wounds?
I still dont know.