Storm in a gender teacup

Welcome Storm, he, umm, she, umm, well, no one really knows so they call Sotrm she/he.

Kathy Witterick, 38, and David Stocker, 39, a Candian couple has decided to keep the sex of their newborn third child a secret from the whole world. Only they and the siblings will know, as they themselves put it "what is between their legs". They feel that gender creates restrictions which would damage and constrict children. Theirs is a "tribute to freedom and choice in place of limitation, a stand up to what the world could become in Storm's lifetime (a more progressive place? ...)."

Very unlikely that the "world" would see any revolutionary progression in the next 50 years. The change is probably more evolutionary. My mother wore sarees and was confined to college and home by the time she was 16. Even a movie had to be watched in secret. Boyfriends were taboo. My mothers mother died for want of a kidney. She refused treatment, not taking the medicines meant for her. They say she died of a broken heart when her youngest daughter would not end an affair. My other grandmother baulked when our fridge was bought, when we were just kids, saying, that my dad should not spoil us, just in case we dont get the same luxuries in our in laws house.

My generation has seen a different world. In my economic class, girls mostly have been given equal opportunities as boys. Even though I have been reminded again and again by aunties sundry and even by my mother what "good" girls do as opposed to "bad" girls.

I know I wont create girl- boy issues with my daughter. But somehow I also happen to dress my daughter in androgynous fashion. She is mistaken for a boy often among strangers. I dislike her girlie traits, she loves wearing bangles at the age of 4, and screams at very small things... but I dont discourage her. Maybe she is learning it from her girl friends in school. But she will absorb everything and retain what her nature allows her to retain. Thats fine with me. I will be the eternal tomboy mum with a girlie girl daughter!! EEEEK.

Isnt the key term "choice". Storms parents have decided to have Storm decide what she/he wants to be when the time comes- girl or boy. Thats too progressive, even by my standards, but what if my daughter said one day (aint gonna happen, given her present behavior, but just hypothetically)- I am a man trapped in a womans body. What am I supposed to do. I will really really mourn the loss of my beautiful daughter, but maybe I will celebrate the birth of a son. Who knows. I sometimes wonder what is left to shock our generation of parents with. Free love, drugs, hippiehood, fast cars- The Baby Boomers have been there, done that. Drugs, homosexuality, raining money, sex change, rock stardom- we have done it all. What else is left for them to do? In 10-15 years we will know.

Till then, let us continue our experiments with gender, freedom, hope and not judge... we are all our parents children and every generation of parents have to make their own mistakes.

Flying cattle class: Or, Why I am afraid to travel on low cost airlines anymore

Shashi Tharoor is a genius. His (in)famous train ride spawned one of the most expressive words of this generation. Its not even the aam aadmi, its a subset. And such an apt one too. Now, I have travelled from my childhood on buses, trains, trams, metro and graduated to planes when I started working and could pay my way.

Once upon a time, long long ago, when I was studying in Manipal, my family and I took the Air India flight from Kolkata to Bangalore. We were scheduled to take a bus from Bangalore to Manipal. As Air India flights go, this one was more than two hours late... and we missed the bus. Which resulted us in having to take a seat in another bus, which broke down mid way, after which we had to scramble on to another bus in the wee hours of the morning. This was a local bus, packed to capacity, which took us to Mangalore, where we got one of those high speed inter city buses which would take us to Manipal by noon. Instead it ended up crashing into the back of a loaded truck, and resulted in my broken face and teeth which would trouble me ever since. All for the want of an in-time flight.

But generally planes could be a nice experience, with pretty enough attendants, food and water aplenty. Then came the age of the low cost airlines. Truth be told, my meagre salary allowed me to fly only because the low cost had arrived. Air Deccan made everything possible. The rickshaw puller could fly, and frankly I was not much better off. And apart from having to buy sandwiches at 4 times the cost, it was not a bad experience. Of course, one heard of people opening tiffin cases and having their lunches in flight, and I must say I saw some truth to that. Its good sense after all. Get your cakes and biscuits from home instead of letting them rip you off on board.

Still, the teeming millions of India are a meek lot. As is usual, they took some time to open up to the idea of taking to the skies. But when they did, wow, did they ever!

Lately I have had to take a number of flights on various sectors in the domestic circuit. Chennai-Bangalore, Chennai- Kolkata, Delhi- Kolkata. And I need to chronicle some of the experiences I faced in the last couple of months.
Just yesterday on the Delhi-Kolkata flight, a gentleman (not so much!) refused to switch off his phone. This, after being told by the attendant that he must, and we were just by the runway and would take off soon. "Madaaam", he screamed, "I have to send a message". My neighbours on two flights had to be told to switch off, one was an elderly gentleman who gushed into the phone what an experience it is to fly, and another young boy of about 20, flying with his mother, who kept leaning over two seats to look out the window, probably quite disappointed that he could not see the houses below! The boy nodded and switched off, the older gentleman, I suspect, never did, and the whole flight his phone was on. I need to suggest to airlines that on their domestic flights, they should make it a point to check everyones phones, much like they do at security check. If things go like this, there would soon be a couple of people on every plane with their phones on.

I had the bad luck of sitting by the in flight toilets on my last flight. The plane had already started taxying. The attendant had already taken her seat. One man was insisting that he needs to go right now. The attendant was begging at this point. Her poignant "please"s were hard to hear. Its not a train fellas.

Once upon a time Air Deccan had first come first serve policy when it came to seats on the flight. So usually when the boarding was announced there would usually be a mad dash for the plane to take the window seats. That is history now... but the other day I saw something which defied explanation.
Two overweihgt gentlemen came on at the last moment. One had an aisle seat and the other had the middle seat on the other side. He wanted to sit "beside" his mate, on the aisle seat, and he vehenmently argued that he could sit where he chose. The attendants were two very young girls, and I wonder in their training if they have courses to teach them to deal with such wonders.

Anyway, so trains and planes, not many differences nowadays. Apart from the price of the food, which to my woe, I HAVE to buy everytime, as I end up revenous hungry with all the standing at bus-stop-like boarding stations at airports, bus rides in the hot sun to reach the plane, and jostling with Indian Men to get to my seat with a cranky 4 year old and achey brakey back.

Book Review: The Sirens of Baghdad

Yasmina Khadra/ Mohammed Moulessehoul

Not in many best seller lists and not as sublime as Nadeem Aslams ‘The Wasted Vigil’, this book nevertheless does to Iraq what the other does to Afghanistan.

The protagonist is a young man in his early 20-s, a Bedouin who has left his village to study in Baghdad, become a doctor and make his family and village proud. He has already built a world of dreams when it comes crashes down. American GI-s take over the country and what follows is the continual denigration of a race too proud to sit and take it. He returns to his village where tragedy after tragedy strikes. Uncalled for killings of innocents by an over excitable marine troop, bombing of a marriage party mistaken to be an arms stronghold, and then a village torn apart by the military, young men taken away, old men insulted in front of their children. Blood will have to be spilled to avenge an insult. That is the Bedouin way.

The story starts in Beirut, where the protagonist is already a fedayeen, then moves to tell his history to Kafr Karam, his village, Baghdad and then moves back to the present. The changing mileu is so well presented. Proud of their bread earning status at one time, men now have become effeminate, reduced to arguing about who is to blame for their countries downfall. Saddam? The West? They themselves? And to taking money from their mothers and sisters. Sisters revolting against the tribe to go for higher education and become doctors. Sisters living “in sin” in the big city. Homosexuality. And of course, the growing “waiting list” of would be fedayeens.

This morning the newspaper talked about 2 car bombs going off in Baghdad killing 30 people. The book talks about groups who are actually responsible for this. Who think it is justified to kill children and innocents to avenge a wrong done to their country by the west. They are not warring against their own, but they end up doing just that. And some lose their minds in the process, like Hassan who is not quite there after he saw his best friend mowed down by police after a botched suicide bombing. Or the man who became stark mad after he blew up a school bus full of kids. He bound himself with bread loaves to look like a human bomb and walked into a checkpost.

Whats best about the book is that it supports no one and damns everyone. Humanity suffers in a war between two factions. It is the women and children who are left to pick up the pieces when the men are bombed away. It is the frail and old left to mourn their youngs’ passing. And it is a generation of machines moulded by a thought process which no one can justify. Be it the young marines killing civilians in Iraq or Afghanistan or they who blow themselves up for Paradise. Or for country.

The conscience of the book must be Dr Jamal, not a main character in the book but a professor who used to support the west at first, and then switched sides to support the Iraqi voice. And then realizes that every one is wrong in this war. And gets killed for it.

Of course the ending itself is a bit tame. I wont give it away but the weapon he is supposed to carry to end half of humanity is pretty clichéd and the way the book ends itself, unravels the tightness of the book and keeps it from raising itself from good to great. That of course would be a spoiler so I will refrain from telling. I wish it ended better. But a subject too relevant to ignore.

Book Review: Tarquin Hall's The Case of the Man who Died Laughing

Publisher: Hutchinson, London
Indian Price: Rs 550
Available: All major book shops

“Have you met Vish Puri, India’s Most Private Investigator?” http://tarquinhall.com/

Well I met him finally this week, and I must say, Im totally bowled over. England has Sherlock Holmes and Miss Marple. Belgium has Hercule Poirot. US has so many. Even Sweden has its Lisbeth Salander (Millenium series- Stieg Larsson). Its time India had one of its own.
To be fair, we have our Felu da, the Holmes-esque Bengali genius. But he is so niche, that so few even in the country outside of Bengal know of his brilliant exploits. That’s the problem. Our detectives are so regional, so bound by the foibles and tics of a particular race, that outside of it, so few know of them, even if translated.
Tarquin Hall comes to somewhat bridge the gap. Vish Puri is quintessentially a Delhi-wallah. With his Punjabi quirky habits, aloo parantha-s and family ties, he is still a part of the cosmopolitan middle class baby boomer ethos. With his “arrrey”s and using “no?” after sentences (he is supposed to be here by now, no?) he talks our language. He says every thing is just “tip-top”, so “no need to do tension”. Its so us, no?
Oh and finally someone having ghee dripping aloo paranthas and aloo tikki masala, and similar saliva inducing stuff, finally finally, Indian street food on a world class book.
The story?
The “Guru Buster”, Dr Suresh Jha, takes on Maharaj Swami on television and incurs his wrath. Maharaj Swami promises his death on a certain day due to his non believer’s attitude. On the said date, in full view of the world, while attending the morning session of the laughing club in the open, a twenty foot Goddess Kali appears, levitating in all her terrible glory and with a sword, strikes Jha dead, disappearing without a trace after the act. It falls on Vish Puri to trace down the murderer. Science, religion, magic, logic, superstition… every thing is rolled into one. And adventure. The must-have of a good detective novel, DISGUISE. Vish Puri is master of disguise. His helpers and side kicks, male and female, are dependable and masters in their own game. And it’s a page turner too.
Here is what I liked about this book apart from its innate Indian ness. The book makes you guess much in the fashion of Agatha Christie. Its got genuine detective flair. It is topical. And with the guru-frenzy still very much on in the country, it is very relevant. You wish someone would make your mother in law read this. Talking of which, the mother in law herself in this book is a detective of sorts. So yo not only have your “Indian Poirot” but a bit of your Indian Miss Marple as well. And its so much fun. You cant help laughing through the book. Who else had made murder such a joke?
Here is what does not work. The book is too Indian. So while Indians will totally identify with it, readers in other countries would be a little lost. But seems after reading the book, it is meant for a predominant Indian audience, either in the country or the huge diaspora spread across the world. In that case Tarquin Hall did a brilliant job.
There is too much going on. There are three separate cases in the book. You sometimes wish the chapters would not keep going to Mummy Ji-s kitty party case. It is enjoyable in itself, and is perhaps meant to be a comic relief, but the whole book is comic, and the action never reaches feverish pace, so probably comic relief is not required at all. However the characters all being believable and lovable, it does not become too much of a hindrance, though it mars the overall composition of the case.
The third point would be a spoiler. The end of the book and the solution of the case, the murderer, so to say, is a anti climax. You so wish it were someone else. But its ok as all the bad guys are actually bad guys and they all will get punished. But gee, the murder… something is missing about the ending. It needed a better tying up. Then again, the journey is so enjoyable that the destination in itself can have its faults.
Finally it does what any good detective book should do. Get good word of mouth, and make the reader buy the other books in the series. Im definitely reading “The Case of the Missing Servant” next.

Rate: 8/10

About the author: from his website

Tarquin Hall is a British writer and journalist.
He was born in London, 1969, to an English father and American mother. Hall has spent much of his adult life away from the United Kingdom, living in the United States, Pakistan, India, Kenya and Turkey, and travelling extensively in Africa, the Middle East and South Asia. He is the author of five books and dozens of articles that have appeared in many British newspapers and magazines, including the Times, Sunday Times, Daily Telegraph, Observer and New Statesman. He has also worked in TV news and is a former South Asia bureau chief of Associated Press TV. His chosen subject matter has proven extraordinarily diverse. He has written features on Wilfred Thesiger, Texan rattlesnake hunters, the Taliban and British-Asian Urdu poets.
Hall’s books have received wide acclaim in the British press. His second, To the Elephant Graveyard was heralded by Christopher Matthew in the Daily Mail as “a classic.” His third, Salaam Brick Lane, about Brick Lane in the East End of London, was described by Kevin Rushby in The Guardian as “charming, brilliant, affectionate and impassioned.” Salaam Brick Lane recounts a year spent above a Bangladeshi sweatshop on Brick Lane.
In 2009, Hall published his first mystery novel The Case of the Missing Servant introducing the Punjabi literary character Vish Puri, India’s Most Private Investigator. Hall′s second novel in the Puri series, The Case of the Man Who Died Laughing, is scheduled to be released on 15 June 2010. The sequel follows Puri as he unravels who really murdered a renowned Indian scientist.
Hall is married to the Indian-born BBC reporter and presenter Anu Anand. They have a young son.

Pritish Nandy's article

Some days back we were shocked out of our dinner time reverie by the news item that a Class 8 school boy in Kolkata has committed suicide, allegedly because he was caned as a punishment in school. Here is an article, I dont know the source, it came as a forward, by Pritish Nandy which sums up what many of us thought.

Learning starts with irreverence
Pritish Nandy, 14 June 2010, 09:42 AM IST

La Martiniere was the only school I ever went to. I joined it at 3 and passed out completing my Senior Cambridge. This is the school currently in the news because a student hung himself after the Principal caned him reportedly for not doing his homework. Corporal punishment is always a silly idea. It achieves little, hurts a lot. Depending on which part of your anatomy gets the stick. In our time it was the posterior, and as we all padded that well in advance with notebooks and towels, the Principal (who swung the cane) would first instruct us to drop our pants.

No, I wasn’t caned for not doing homework. In our time, students were far more irreverent. Not doing homework was the least of our transgressions. But the ecology of schools was so different then that even when we were punished, we took it easily in our stride. Studying was never a big deal. Learning was. And the real things I learnt out there were either on the rugby field or in the boxing ring and, yes, I made a few friends who have stayed on for life. That’s what schools were about in those days and La Martiniere was a fine example. It was there that I learnt music, theatre, swimming, writing, waltzing, carpentry and how to smoke grass. Geography I learnt much later while travelling the world. Poetry I found after I unlearnt Shakespeare. History I picked up from the movies. But the subject I hated the most, maths, is the one I love today thanks to Martin Gardner who taught me the art of artfully resolving any complex mathematical problem.

Caning was commonplace then. No one gave it a second thought. If anything, your classmates saw you as a hero if you got whacked. Like the time the watchman caught me climbing down the waterpipe at night from the Girls School dorm next door. A sudden burst of pigeons from the corner of a ledge woke him up and almost killed me. Another time I was caned for scribbling love notes with strong sexual undercurrents to my junior school teacher, Miss Martin. I was also whacked for helping a friend during an exam. The notes in his underwear had fallen off. The hardest whack I got was for writing an essay which questioned the existence of God and said that if I had a choice I would rather go with Madhubala. Yet I was let off with a warning when they found me, at a social, waltzing with a girl not where the others were, but behind the Tech School in the dark, under the starry skies. My school tie was off. So was her shirt.

Yes, we were punished for many reasons. But we never felt humiliated. We went back and did the same things again, just making sure we were not caught. Caning was like a badge of honour. We were heroes every time the Principal (Mr Chalk and Mr Vyse, the two fine men who wielded the cane on our bottoms) announced our names sternly at the morning service and called us to his office. We knew what that meant. But it never embarrassed us. In fact, I took bets on how many whacks I would get. Three was the max. I always got away with one. I suspect we were caned only because the Principal felt it was his duty to do so. It was an intrinsic part of the Coming of Age ritual. There was no viciousness there. Nor a mistaken belief that caning would make better young men out of us.

Today, the entire ecology of schools has changed. The charming irreverence that made our years there such great fun has all but vanished. What we have instead is a strange combination of fear and stress. The love, the warmth, the humour, the camaraderie that was an intrinsic part of our growing up years has gone. Everything is judged purely by academic performance, the marks students get. It’s an edgy, competitive scenario where you perform or perish. Everyone’s under great pressure. When I got a first division, I remember how disappointed I was. It was not what I wanted in life. I would have much rather run off with Mr Vyse’s charming daughter, the lovely Suzette who danced like a dream and won every race at the school sports. But no, she was not mine to be. She finished school, married an Anglo Indian boy and vanished into the Great Outback.

It’s this ecological breakdown that makes corporal punishment look even uglier. When a young boy in Class VIII kills himself for being caned it can only mean one thing: A total breakdown of communication between him and the world around him. School is not where you go just to get some good grades. It’s a place where you grow up, make friends, learn a few sports, discover yourself and the world around you. And if someone whacks you once in a while, you take it in your stride. There’s a whole world out there to be conquered. You can’t give that up so easily.
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Breakdown of communication: That must be it. Parents, most of all, need to be aware of this bane, in their busy schedules and dawn to night jobs. Children need to be TALKED TO. To be UNDERSTOOD from their viewpoint, not yours. Most of all, in all spheres of life, in every problem, the most important cause is lack of communication.

The one thought that kept troubling me for days is that, I was caned too. So many times, one lost count. I was hit on my thigh with "double scales"- two scales joined together to make the sting worse. I was hit on my knuckles for not doing homework. I was made to stand in the sun for hours for not bringing my exam admit card. I was made to do sit ups for shouting in class. I was made to stand outside class for talking.

I showed the scale marks to all and sundry, with pride, like being 'the marked', or 'the chosen one'. We all laughed about how the angle of the scale affected the knuckles, which hit harder, the face or the edge. We winked at each other while standing outside class. My legs hurt for days after the sit ups but I carried it like a badge of honour. And when a couple of my friends fainted, standing in the sun, we ran to get water and fanned them, and cursed the school and our principal, Sister Andrea, and compared her devilish treatments to the other angelic Sisters... but we did not think it was the end of our lives.

Failing in exams were not the end of our lives, we just picked up and moved on... sometimes a few beatings/scoldings later. But the message was clear, nothing is a personal agenda against me or you or anyone... its the SYSTEM. And the system aims to make us "persons" in this way, and we just survive this bit.

School was fun. School was where we had our best times, our best friends, our bonds for a lifetime. School was were we did well in some tests and failed some, but it did not matter. We had exam fever too... we woke nights to make notes and solve trigonometry problems. I did so badly in my 10th standard exams that I actually thought life had ended. But it didnt.

We are good at certain things. We are not good at others. Its better that parents keep an open channel of communication with their kids, and put this into their minds.

Messi hair day

What happens when a football dud like me starts writing about football. It becomes all about hair, thats what.

Btw, my husband went into mourning yesterday after England lost. So has half the world I know. Going on like that about the goal that wasnt given. Shame on you, as if it had anything to do with the other 3 goals that Germany sent into their post. Now Germany, thats one serious team. Im going to put my amatuer bet on them to win the cup this time. All the "Go England" people- HUMBUG! "Go Germany" is what I say.

As I was saying, so many people lost their appetite, that too at dinner time on Sunday night, this part of the world. Which is better than losing your job, I say, which the England Goal keeper, whatisname, has coming. What can you expect with that kind of hair... and facial hair too, yuck! So very yesterday. Now Rooney, thats a name I know... he's been playing for aaaaaGes. Look at his receding hairline. He looked so crestfallen after the first half hour of the match, I was almost expecting Beckham to come in and give him a peck of encouragement on the cheek. So sweet of him to cheer on his team, no? Looking so dapper too, sigh! They dont make them like that anymore.

So much talk about Messi, I finally HAD to watch what he is all about. And he reminded me, I really do have to get a haircut. Ive started looking somewhat like him. Not that he looked bad with flying hair and all, when he was running with the ball... from 3 kmph to 30 kmph in 3 seconds flat, according to some. (They actually measure these things nowadays!!! and they cant say when it is or isnt an actual goal!!!!!!) In fact a lot of their team is about flying hair and bad haircuts. Speaking of which, Maradona, shouldnt he be really banned from coming within 10 feet of anyone or anything during a match? All the raving and ranting, shouting and screaming, jumping and pacing, is not good for his heart at his age. Who listens to him anyway, apart from Pele, who does a lot of talking back too, from what I hear in snippets between my E-news.

No wonder the Mexico goalie was too green to stop their shots from sailing in. He has only a shining bare scalp to show.

A Whole New World

A month of servant-less existence has finally made me sit up and take notice on where my life is headed!!! Of all things, yes it is true. Why, I was a destitute this last one month, a veritable orphan without my cook-and-housework person. For the first time in my life I was waking up sharp at 7 every morning with or without alarm, for day after day. Not for me the luxury of getting another 40 winks, for if I overslept, my office work would not get done and I would be spending all morning boiling dal and frying fish. Not to speak of breakfast.

I would roam about the rooms in the morning with the look of a lost kitten on my face, wondering where to start. Shall I dust the shelves now, or after I make the tea. When do I fry and keep the egg for my daughter. Almost forgot to take the fish out of the freezer, bloody things need hours to thaw, and then to marinade them... and the horror of frying fish. I could not do it to save my life, the fish ends up half its size, with the rest stuck all over the wok.

Ill be proud to proclaim, I did not pull my family of three to dinner every night, only some. I cooked and I cleaned, and I dusted and I washed. And I fed my daughter religiously 4 times a day. And believe you me, feeding my daughter is not the work of the faint hearted. I must declare that my heart is much the worse for wear now, after 1 whole year of single handedly feeding her at least 3 times, if not 4. Oh well, she wont feed herself and I cant wait for the day that she finally gets so independent that she wont let me feed her any more. Or when she does not want to stay home for dinner, or hell... when she wants to leave and set off on her own in the world. With all my blessings, dear one, with all my weary boned droopy eyed blessings.

Here is where a confession is due. I was a kitchen virgin till 24, when I was rudely yanked from the comfort of home food or the convenience of hostel food, and after my then-boyfriend-now-husband ran out of money to feed me in expensive Bangalore. Therefore at that impressionable vulnerable age I was forced to peek into the confines of that room in the house which had always been farthest from my repartee till that time. Alladin sang in my ear - "A whole new world", and with the most fallen of faces, I gingerly took an egg plant in one hand and the knife in the other, and proceeded to make baingan bharta much like Juhi Chawla did in QSQT... only much worse.

How times have changed.

Back to present. So, when I was finally left home- um, cook-less, I finally had to take it on to my own two hands to feed my little devil of a daughter and very patient-in-food-habits husband. And would you believe it, I make the best chicken I have ever tasted, save one. (That one is of course another story.) But thanks to a dear dear friend, who introduced me to the fearless world of cooking chicken, and newer ways of doing it, I am now the mistress of all things chicken. Oh not quite, I have tried three recipes, variations of them, but Im glad to say, everyone liked it. My husband went as far as to say that its the best chicken he had ever tasted, even better than restaurants. And no benifit of doubt, darlings, for he says that every time I try that particular recipe.

Its my ssssssecret recipe of course, only that its not so secret, being taught me by my friend as I was talking about, and so I shall tell you my secret ingredient. English Mustard, the kind you get in a bottle in any self respecting grocery shop. Instead of curd, if you marinade the chicken in some mustard oil and this mustard paste, and then add some mustard seeds crackling in your mustard cooking oil before putting the rest in, its a true blue chicken variation of SHORSHE ILISH!!!

Who would ever... ever... ever imagine, that one day I would be writing about cooking in my blog. But hey, it truly is a whole new world. Its even, wonder of wonders, therapeutic. I tended to be my most calm in a year during this time. It was single handedly the cure for my onsetting depression due to my condition which can be summed up as follows "My jobs a joke, Im broke, My love life's.. what love life, Ive been with one man for 10 years, married for 5"

Coming up next- Chinese Chicken. And Chicken Stew, Payal Mukherjee style, you have not tasted stew so good! Crossmyheart.

Oh My Darling Kolkata, Where Have You Disappeared

Lets get right to the brass-tacks, shall we?
My last three days in Kolkata.
Day 1, Jan 13 2010- I had to take baby to the hospital. Park Street- Neotia Hospital. On the way back I had taken the Anwar Shah road route. Road closed. We thought that this was a routine road block by the locality people, common in this area. So we drove down some alleys to Ashutosh Mukherjee road, the plan was to go straight down to Tolly Metro, where my house is located. Tollygunj Phari crossing- A band of people, holding hands has just closed down the street as we cruised to a stop at the crossing, one of the first cars to be stuck. Traffic bearing down behind us already. I got down and asked the police officers how long it would take. "Only they know, sister" is what he said to me. "THEY"- Trinamool Congress supporters, and their chakka jam. This was a spot where I was not familiar with any detours. But the officer pointed out a narrow alley and said you can take this and see what happens. So before our tail got completely blocked we decided to go for it. At 2 pm with a hungry sleepy baby in the car, to think of standing there for an hour or two... unthinkable. The narrow alley became narrower and people who moved fast enough were all in there, but we got through it, after much shouting at errant rickshaw drivers, and more silent prayers, we reached home, and lunch.

Day 2, Jan 14 2010: My in-laws place is in Brahmapur, near Bansdroni in Tollygunj. Its about 4 kms from my parents place at Tolly Metro. And easy to reach if you know the inside roads. This day there is a "bandh" in that area, south of the canal, by the 'ruling party' CPM, so that much tougher to get through. I have a baby in the car, travelling from my inlaws to my parents. I was stopped thrice, the third time they wanted to see my id card. And when I said Im taking my child to the hospital they refused to believe me. I said how dare youstop a woman with a toddler in a car. They got a bit hassled. And when I shouted some more, shaking with anger, they let me pass, to freedom. For a moment, I felt trapped, imprisoned in my own city. For a moment, I realised how some men and women, one group of people with nothing to do on a weekday morning, can hold millions of people to ransom, making them walk miles with baggage and children to reach schools, and offices. For a moment I shed some tears to what my beloved haven of freedom had come to, a dear city, fighting for survival between some bands of ruffians, illiterate, semi-literate, who think nothing of stopping ambulances, and people who want to work, and people who just have to work to get their daily bread.

Day 3, Jan 16 2010: My flight to Chennai is at 5 pm. I come out at 2 pm from the house, the plan is to pick my father from his office in Esplanade and reach airport. Park Street flyover at 2.30, we grind to a halt midway up the flyover. It takes us the next hour to reach Esplanade crossing. Trinamool again, they have closed up one side of the road for a rally. And thousands of cars in the busiest crossing of Kolkata waited patiently for hours to let the police get them through one tiny strip left open, one car at a time. The poor Kolkata police force. Kudos to them. When they retire they would have been there done it all... probably not as adept at encounters as the Mumbai police, but world-best in handling bandhs and rasta roko-s and chakka jams of all kinds. I did make it to the flight, reaching the airport at 4.45, the last possible minute. And they allowed us on, the last passengers, because I had called and told them I was stuck in a Trinamool rally with a kid. Everyone knows about it. Everyone in Kolkata.

Everyone in Kolkata now sigh once again when they hear about another bandh. They curse beneath their breath, all those who will not let a city rise from its ashes. They hang their heads when their colleagues from other cities laugh, they try to laugh and joke along with them. But in the end they know that they are the ones to blame. To have stayed at home during bandhs, fearing lathi bearing toughs- the political supporters, who would beat on the cars and deflate tyres. To have been afraid of being threatened on the road. As a Kolkatan, Im sorry to say, I am ashamed of what my city has allowed to be done to herself. Im ashamed of myself and of all those I know who has not raised their voice.
I fought the toughs to get my daughter and me through... What if we all shouted, if we all screamed, if we all cried out- CHOLBE NA CHOLBE NA... No- you cannot keep me from my work, from my play, you cannot force me to be home for fear, you cannot keep my freedom from me, from us, from all us Kolkatans... if only we could...

PS: On 12th Jan, a fire broke out in a slum in Ultadanga, 70 huts were gutted, 1 dead, about 2000 homeless in the bitter January cold... the reason why the whole slum burnt down before any help could reach- Auto rickshaw drivers (alleged Trinamool supported) had blocked the road and would not let fire engines through to the fire... a fire burnt homes down, thousands watched, while some men refused to let fire fighters save lives and homes. Oh Kolkata, Kolkata!

Great Indian Wedding Time again

One of my very first blogs were on the Great Indian Wedding... the media going crazy with it, the whole world conspring to look like one huge marriage party. Little has changed in the two years since, and now at the end of 2009, wedding season is here again!
Lets start- prices of gold are daily news now. We thought they had touched the roof when I got married in 2005. Celebrating our 4th anniversary this month, my husband thought it more prudent to gift me the new refridgerator Ive been nagging him last few months for.
Magazines- Vogue had a wedding special in November, Marie Claire beat it by a month, their wedding issue came out in October. Elle had a wedding supplement, last one I saw was the Cosmopolitan, with its own wedding issue! Weddings sell, then. Some of us are getting married, some of us are waiting to be proposed to with everyting crossed, some of us are having family getting maried, and some of us have to buy expensive presents for those getting married.
Well there are also people like me who are just voyeurs... who love to peek into the lives of the rich and/or famous, and gasp at the thought of buying a 1 lakh lehenga, or the diamond set that so and so would wear, or the farmhouse that so and so's daddy would rent for darling princess.
I guess Ill never buy either the Judith Lieber purse recommended with the Manish Malhotra lehenga, or the Louboutin heels which perfectly goes with the traditional churas. And I cant think of anyone who can either. Who are these magazines targeting anyway. What is their readership? How many people care for Moroccan or English rose themes for their wedding in India?
I do not know, but I know this. When I got married, all I wanted was two Benarasi sarees in nice colours which I would be able to wear all my life and pass on to my daughter, if I had one. I wanted my mom's lovely necklace I had coveted since I was a little girl. I wanted everyone to love the food. And I wanted to get done with it and start the rest of my life. To have the family circus end and get to be a couple once again.
Well all that is ancient history now. Now Im a little scared of weddings. Im scared that my present wont be good enough. Im scared of not getting parking space near the venue and having to walk a kilometer in my sky high heels and saree. Im scared of not being blinged up enough. Im scared of having a stomach upset afterwards. And Im scared of hearing about who next is getting married. Best of luck guys... Ill send you all my blessings and heart full of love, but just keep me out of it.

Oh, for a story to tell!

Heard of the book "The Rozabal Line"? One in the series of fiction based on 'research' that shows Jesus spent a considerable part of his life in India, Kashmir specifically.

The author, Ashwin Sanghi (pseudonym Shawn Haigins) is an Indian businessman who writes part time. An immense amount of research has gone into the book, 90% of it google searches. (All the links are provided in the glossary.) As I read the book I keep thinking what a person like Dan Brown would have done with this material, or John Grisham, or Ken Follet for that matter. For the material is mind blowing, stuff that best sellers are made of, but the writing swings madly back and forth from BC something to AD 2012. And when I say swings madly back and forth, believe you me, you will be left with a headache at the pendulous madness.

But anyway, Mr Sanghi wrote a book. He probably spent years deciding just what he wanted to google and then made a story out of it. I wish I could tell a story, any story! I do not want to be a poet, nor can I even succeed in it. A poet can see the whole beach in a grain of sand. Me? I see the setting sun and I think- poached eggs.

No, not for me the blank verses and rhymed couplets. I would rather be a story teller. How fortunate are they, how blessed, those who can spin yarns, those who can pluck stories out of co passengers travelling in trains or lonely warehouses on the waterfront. I suppose life itself is full of stories, one has just to look at the right places.

How i wish I had that imagination, to make young boys and girls fly on broomsticks to play ball, or make trees walk and wage wars, to tell the world about a teacher in Afghanistan, or a tribe elder in the African jungles... oh but I cant, I cant. I just cant tell a story.

Archie marrying Betty??????

Oh come on! I finally thought its happening. Betty?? Really??!! Compare that hare brained goody-two-shoes geek with the hot catty oh-so-stylish Veronica, and really, where can one go wrong in this. Betty is a good match for Dilton, Im sure, but I suppose even Dilton is too intelligent to know the real world from the ideal one.

But it figures. Considering that Archie is neither too good looking (carrot top with freckles, remember?), nor rich (jalopy), nor intelligent (only Moose seems to be more Duuh than him), and also insensitive to boot (how many times has he jilted Betty to go with Veronica)... I dont know which one serves him right, marrying the bitchy Veronica or the so-dull Betty.

20 years hence he might be fielding questions or vases from a fat, couch potato Betty, in cheap Paris designer rip-offs (her clothes were mostly that while Veronica had the originals) in XXL sizes, while Veronica finds herself a dude and zips around in her personal jet to those exotic locales in her designer bikini-s on her designer body. Hell, when she is 40 she would afford to do a Demi Moore.

Yeah yeah, when the whole world went ga ga over Betty, I thought Veronica was so sauve... so have-it-all, so cool-cat to Betty's loyal tail-wagging pooch. So what if she also made the mistake of running after Archie and giving Betty, her best friend, a tough time due to him. She would get over it Im sure. Girls like her have all the fun. All hail Veronica.

Proud of our Didi

Chennai papers were full of Mamata Didi yesterday. 'Duronto' is coming to town... the non stop super fast from Chennai to Delhi. Then there is the "gift" of Didi to Chennai women- all women trains to ply intra city.

Then there was the instance of her refusal to move in a bungalow in Delhi and decisionto stay back in the apartment which was originally provided her. Now Mamata Banerjee is being touted as the new face of the Congress frugality brigade. The minister to walks the talk.

Kolkata women had the benefit of Didi's thoughtfulness long back, her last tenure as railway minister. And now we are seeing women all over the country hailing these moves. The need is there... Chennai just came out with the 'Pink Cabs'... all women service cabs for women and children. No more fear when we need to travel alone at 2 am to catch the 4 am flight.

Seeing Didi's face flooding the papers, suddenly seemed not so different from Kolkata papers. And I should say... for once I am proud I voted foryou, Didi.

September 3, 2009

Just finished watching Kite Runner on HBO. When it began I underestimated it. Like all those who read the book before they watch the movie I thought it would fall short. But half hour into the film and I knew this was something special. Years ago, the book had made me cry for days. In two short hours, this movie made me cry again.

In any conflict, women and children suffer the most. But it is the children who will have to grow up with the pain of whatever has befallen them. Of course Nadeem Aslam's next, A Thousand Splendid Suns was a masterpiece in itself, but nothing portrayed the tears of a country for its lost children more than Kite Runner.

Another book I recently read was The Poisonwood Bible, by Barbara Kingsolver, set in the Congo of the 1960-s through 90-s. To know more about the history of Congo, I started searching the net until I came upon this- http://www.heraldtribune.com/article/20071007/ZNYT03/710071133?Title=Rape-Epidemic-Raises-Trauma-of-Congo-War

Where doctors break down with stories of the brutality of men, of little girls and boys not knowing what happened to them, of their internal organs, not yet fully formed, being torn and spoilt for life, if they were lucky enough to live...

"Every day, 10 new women and girls who have been raped show up at his hospital. Many have been so sadistically attacked from the inside out, butchered by bayonets and assaulted with chunks of wood, that their reproductive and digestive systems are beyond repair."

The Rape Epidemic, as it is called, continues till this day, even as Hillary Clinton visits the country. It has been called the worst assault against women and children in the world till date, worse than even Rwanda in the Hutu- Tutsi conflict, where rape was seen as a weapon of war, meant for ethnic cleansing.

I could not read the whole report in one sitting. The reports get more and more horrific. Can one even imagine living such a life, where your grandmother, your mother or your little 3 year old daughter might be raped at any time? A doctor says “There used to be a lot of gorillas in there,” he said. “But now they’ve been replaced by much more savage beasts.”

What kind of sickened hardened mind can do that to another human being, and a mere child. Can they look into their eyes? What is in the minds of these men, who can steal innocence forever and inflict such violence.

These are countries at war. What about a country in peaceful times. India- Goa, Kerala, Tamil Nadu, lovely tourist destinations, has something more to attract a special kind of tourist. Available children. These places specially are paedophile destinations. There was recently a newspaper report on orphanages in the Mahabalipuram tourist stretch, which sold children, girls and boys. If you had the proper contacts and especially if youhad white skin, its not much trouble landing the 8 yr old boy you always wanted to destroy.

I saw the movie Changeling some days back. Reminded me of our very own Nithari killings where two men rapes and butchered no one knows exactly how many women and children. (The Nithari killings made headlines for months but now no one seems interested in that anymore. Salman Khan's latest movie is more interesting, I suppose, now that the gory details are all out. Who cares about the victims.) Reminded me of all those news items of little girls kidnapped and imprisoned in base ments for decades, held as sex slaves to men, often with full cooperation from their own wives. Sometimes the girls were not kidnapped... she would simply be the man's daughter.

Girls are routinely taken, often bought for as little as Rs 500, from villages in east India to be sold off to higher and higher bidders in cities like Kolkata, Mumbai or even sent as sex slaves to families in Delhi or anywhere for that matter.

I read and I read and I read, and I feel sterile, helpless, empty. Sometimes I scream to myself to do something, but what can I do, where do I start. I know in the end I will do nothing but seethe inside at the monster that is humankind. I am too domesticated, too engrossed in my childs school, my months targets, and my evening doughnut to stand up and act. I am in awe of those men and women who work to free such victims of lust and god knows what sickness of their own brothers and sisters. Those who spend their lives to bring maybe one ray of hope to those who have none. To bring a smile to those who have gone beyond tears.

Sometimes I feel it was a crime to bring a child into this godforsaken world. For where there can be a Nazi Holocaust, an Ahghanistan laid to the ground by its own men in the name of patriotism, where you can chop off children and dump them in the sewer, where men and women use children to gain pleasure or money, or to take revenge against a race... there God would not be, could not be.

Baby's School Annual Sports Meet

What times have come... now I am taking my daughter to the school sports. Didmt we grow up, or is it really not that far back that I used to go to school sports myself.

My school St Josephs Convent Chandannagar, where I studied till the sixth standard, was a massive range of buildings, with hugest green fields and its own inhouse church, complete with organ et al. The sports events would be held on the schools fields itself. I used to do gymnastics then, floor and balance beam. I was good at the balance beam and bad at floor. For the life of me I could not do the peacock arch, but cart wheels were my thing! My house came last in gymnastics that year, and I blamed my fall while doing the peacock arch.

I participated in the short races. 100 mts or the 4*100 mts. There were 3 girls faster than me in school and in two of the three years that I participated, I came in fourth. In the third year I somehow got past the third girl and came in third. I was beyond myself with elation thinking I had won the brinze finally... until I heard that that particular year there was no bronze medals. The world conspired against me even then!

In South Point High School, Kolkata, sports was an unknown thing until we reached the final year, the 10th standard. I was so sure of my performances till just a day before the events I took a fall down the stairs and sat through the annual sports with a crepe bandage round my ankle.

And now its my daughters school sports. I thought she was too young to participate until they announced races for pre KG. There were 5-6 participants from each of the two sections, all boys. I wonder why no girl was participating. I, for once, didnt know anything about the events till the previous day, when I was handed the invite. So my daughter and I sat through the beginning march past and colourful presentation by junior students, and the pre KG races, and then got too hot and bored to sit through any more and sidled out.

So much for School Sports. Maybe next time.

Ready for Parenting your parents, Generation Me?

People in Shanghai can now have two kids.

China till a few years back, just stopped short of executing parents for flouting their "one couple- one child" norm. And now this? It seems that the population of China is ageing very fast. "438 Million people in China will be 60 and older by 2050, leaving just 1.6 working age adults for each elder." says Newsweek.

We with our "Hum do, humare do" policy, which was not that strictly followed anyway, would turn out little better. But from my absolute lay persons view, consider this. All my friends are either alone, or have a single sibling. Our parents come from the great Indian middle class of the 60-s to 80-s. They were educated, politically motivated and ambitious about themselves and their children. Most were still single income households. The middle classes decided to stop after their first two.

The next class didnt quite. Hence we still see lesser privileged cousins who have 4 or more siblings around.

With time its gone worse. To provide the best for their children many have stuck to their only child. By then we have come into the "upper middle class" strata. We own a house, a car, and gadgets. SEC (socio economic) class A. We are shrinking at a much greater rate than other SECs.

The first to relise it is the doctors of government hospitals. My sister, who is a gyenecologist, have assisted in the births of more than 4 children from one particular woman in the last 6 years. Rest assured, she is not the only one, nor is my sister the only doctor experiencing this.

Another study, another country. USA- "According to futurist Andrew Zolli people born after 1975 could end up taking care of their mothers longer than their mothers took care of them" (newsweek) Women of our mothers generation are likely to live 18 years into their retirement, a new record! Men follow right behind, though. And USA hit with financial woes, is seeing a new trend of having 3 generations or more under one roof.

We Indians have been there done that long enough to know that it is possible to live that way if there is mutual respect. The kids get company, the grandparents get mental peace and joy, and care in their own house, and that goes on to create a more stable society.

The age of the world is changing and thats changing everything. And how!

Coming to town

Getting used to life in Chennai is so difficult when I think of what I am missing. Another BANDH!!! Yoo hoo! Kolkata knows how to enjoy its bandh days.

This morning I had a fight with my husband about the "Kolkata attitude". He has to say that Kolkatans dont have any aggressiveness. They will stand in line in all their wide eyed stupidity while the world goes by into the entrance. (BTW, I thought that was the Lucknowi "pehle aap" theory.)

I replied- do you know where most freedom fighters on our country came from? West Bengal, maaan! Revoltution is in our blood.
"Bhenge dao, guriye dao"... just look at the Maoists.
We are the Argumentative Bengali who can also follow a call to war, are we not? Case in point, Netaji!
We are the born non conformists. Whatever the rule says, we would do the opposite. We love our food, and our adda, we love our Victoria Memorial, and we love to hate Victoria and all the gora-s who helped build it. We still cry buckets of tears for our partition, and we still shout ourselves hoarse at the ghoti-bangal debates.

What Kolkata Attitude!!! OK we love our bandh afternoon naps, and we love to do nothing but talk politics and football all day, but pack us into an overcrowded sweaty bus on the way to work and see how our fighting instincts blossom and bloom. Put us in line for a train ticket and watch if anyone wants to come in between. We can stand for our rights just as much as the next non Kolkatan can, so help me God!

And Im coming back to Cal for my much awaited visit. Short one this time but cant wait to have phuchka and Ma-yer haater luchi - aalur dom again!!!

Chennai- 99% perspiration, 1% inspiration

Im super excited about creating a new Chennai blog which will be very partial towards Besant Nagar. There is hardly any source of info on this part of the world on the net. I mean apart from the cursory two liners on temples and stuff, and google maps. What about the cool place on the beach where you get childrens clothes within Rs 150. Or the little restaurant which has chocolate filled chocolate doughnuts (yes man, its heaven in your mouth), cheese smothered fries with cilly flakes. Oh god, Ive got my mouth watering already.

I found a great lending library which is pretty affordable and with very friendly people. In my hunt for libraries I ended driving km after km yesterday with little success, I could not locate 2 Sardar Patel Road. Also, I found an old place which is overflowing with thrillers and the Goergette Meyer types, not what I read. It advertised itself as Airconditioned. But I almost melted in there.

And Fab India near the beach has these wonderful single cane chairs for Rs 800. Im sure they actually cost Rs 250 somewhere else, but someone please tell me where that is, and Ill go there.

All this and more, in my Chennai blog. Coming soon!

Somehow, feel the absolute urge to say how great a morning I had today, but thats all I am allowed. BTW, great morning reminds me, there is a Ayush (Unilever's) center here where you get full body massage at Rs 750, head/ foot massage at Rs 350. Tried their full body thingy, it felt completely relaxing, though did nothing for my chronic lower back pain. Will have to try their foot and head next month. As of this moment, I am broke in the bank and very very high on the happi-meter.

Its a beautiful world.

O Esha. E ki bidombona.

Esha says I dont write anymore. I am suffering from a non-writers block. Outside this room is a boiling cauldron than is Chennai. Inside this room is a pleasant 25 degrees which induces me to sleep. And the brat who I call my daughter, goes to school for 3 hrs in the morning, which is all the time in the day I have to wash, clean, work, write, read, rest, and eat my days meal till dinner time.

Yesterday night, finally, after weeks, I felt I could write once again. That pain which makes my hand itch, not with Harry Potteresque magic, but with my own story, of love and losing, of pain and betrayal. Yeah, my life is a Shakesperan tragi comedy. Only, I am THE FOOL. And no comedy has a happy ending for the Fool, as any student of literature would know.
Yesterday I learnt some things.
1. When Chennai has a power cut, you will boil, singe, roast, burn... all at once.
2. Love is just another four letter word, and the others at least are real.
3. All that I can count on in this world was in this little room last night.
4. When someone agrees to marry me, (me, as in, you-got-no-idea-what-kinda-bitch me), he has worn a noose willingly for life. It takes guts to do that knid of thing, man. I should be grateful to this guy.
5. Hope is a bitch. You get that knife and plunge it deep into her heart or else she will kill you. When you finally get rid of her, you can breathe easy. Dead hope is actually such a release, like a huge weight being lifted from my shoulders.
6. My daughters weight increases exponentially with the minutes I am holding her and walking.
7. Fever can get you a bit of rest from duties of hearth and home.
Even seven. Devils number. One of my favourites. Ill stop there.

Let me tell you a story of a girl who was almost an inspiration to me until she fell from that pedestal for ever. She is almost my age, a bit foolish. She ran away from home and married without completing her college degree at a very young age. Then she ended up having kids, with a workaholic husband, so basically lonely and starving for attention, in the thankless job called motherhood.
Then she did something to redeem herself. She fell in love. Childhood sweethearts who had a slight misunderstanding and ego issues, blah blah, the usual... so they had gone their separate ways. Then they met again, quite by chance and love, unfulfilled at the tender age of 15, blossomed again, this time mature, without ego, and with certainty.
She left her husband, went off with the kids to her parents house. When I first heard of her she was trying to support herself and her kids, at her parents house, but at best ignored, at worst abused, by them at every turn... but steadfast in her will to be with this love of her life.
I admired her then. She had the guts to do something I never could. I wished I could have that foolish impetuousness, the acting-without-thinking guts, the unbending love which makes you want to be together NO MATTER WHAT.
And then years passed, two-three. Her children grew to a schooling age. Where was the money to give them the education that we would like our children to have. Not just one, but two kids. Children are a factor which mothers cant work without. It is the greatest constant in our lives. Every mothers life would be quite quite different in it were not for her kids.
Oh well, there is a happy ending to every story, depending on the angle you look at it. And this one says that she went back to her husband. Some said its the wisest thing she did. Some said she should have done this at the very beginning. For me, it was an end of a fairy tale. Romeo-Juliet turned on its head.

Amar golpoti phurolo.

The Cesarean/ Natural birth Dilemna

When I declared that I would go for an elective Cesarean section, not a few eyebrows went up. Grandmothers, aunts, mother, friends... went all out to convinve me that I was making a mistake. Their arguments ranged from

• you are not going to lose weight afterwards, to
• its just not normal, God didnt want it to be so.

Cesarean birth is favoured by doctors when the baby's size is too large for a vaginal delivery, or when there is a breach position (the baby's position is horizontal or feet first), or if there is some other complication during labour.

A lot is being written nowadays in magazines and Sunday papers about the necessity to stay with nature and prefer natural birth to Cesaream births. Its being alleged that more and more doctors are advising Cesarean births for their own monetary gains. (A normal birth costs 25,000 Indian Rupees as opposed to 75,000 INR for a Cesarean birth. There is the surgeon, of course, a pedietracian in the operating room, one or more assisting doctors, an anaesthesiologist, et al. Plus hospital stay is one to two days more.)

In many Western countries you cannot opt for a Cesarean birth unless its a medical emergency or if the baby is in breach position. But in India it is possible to choose the way you want you baby out.

The call in favour of natural birth rings sincere and vehement. Its all in the motherhood experience, that call claims. You have to feel the pain in order that you know you love your newborn. You have to push push push, for hours, sometimes for days, feel your body tear down under, get epidurals, get yourself cut too, get tongs inside so that the delivering doctor can pull out your baby's head... all in the name of natural birth.

I have heard that for a bonding to develop between mother and child it is necessary to go through the process of a vaginal delivery. I do not know how it is said. That goes to finally prove that an adopted child can never have a bonding with the adoptive mother. A womans capability of maternal love is so all-encompassing that it does not depend where the child comes from or how. It is not only a presence, it is a necessity in women to love. And personally, when I held my daughter in my arms seconds after the delivery, I only felt what all women feel at that moment, absolute awe at the miracle of God.

My lack of labour pain did neither me any harm, nor affected the love between my child and me, in any way. In fact I think its all the stronger because I hold no grudges against life for being unfair on women!!! :))

Also in the hospital, a day after my surgery, I was walking around fine, and had gone to feed thebaby in the nursery. I could hear groans from new mums who had pain moving around... and all the groaning ones had been labouring for hours to give birth. There may be trouble in post operative care and time to get back to normal, and I had to be careful not to do heavy work for three months, but it did not affect me as much as I had feared it would. And yes, I lost weight pretty fast, as I was breast feeding. My child is one and half now and I am back to my pre pregnancy weight.

You hear stories of how someone gave birth in 11 minutes flat. And you hear stories of labour continuing for days, in one case, of my friend, 3 whole days of pushing. You hear stories of how the placenta was too weak and the doctors were just minutes late in deciding that a Cesarean is the best way. You hear stories of babies born dead.

I am a mother, and believe me, when I was pregnant, I did not think of whether I would love my baby or not. I did not think what kind of money my doctor would get. I did not think what is natural and what is organic. I did not think of the pain I would have to go through to give birth normally, or the post operative care in I had a surgery.

The only thought in my mind was, I want a healthy baby. I want my baby out the safest way available to human kind today.

Yes many things are natural. Its perfectly natural to go out in the fields for your morning ablutions, but you dont, do you? Its perfectly natural to live out your life and not go to a doctor, let cancer have its way with your body, chemotherapy is after all not natural. Its natural to hunt for food and gather wild berries, supermarkets are not natural.

I did extensive research before deciding. I heard out stories of friends and relatives. I googled and went to libraries. It took me 6 months to finally decide. I will not tell anyone to not go the natural way... but I will definitely say this- I took an informed decision to have Cesarean and I have not had any problem till date about it.

And I have never felt guilty for being too posh to push.

On Facebook? At your own risk.

Here is an article excerpt from the April 20 Time Magazine.

Forget the widely unloved redesign. Facebook has committed a greater offense. According to a new study by doctoral candidate Aryn Karpinski of Ohio State University and her co-author Adam Duberstein of Ohio Dominican University, college students who use the 200 million–member social network have significantly lower grade-point averages (GPAs) than those who do not.

The study, surveyed 219 undergraduate and graduate students and found that GPAs of Facebook users typically ranged a full grade point lower than those of nonusers — 3.0 to 3.5 for users versus 3.5 to 4.0 for their non-networking peers. It also found that 79% of Facebook members did not believe there was any link between their GPA and their networking habits.

Karpinski says she isn't surprised by her findings but clarifies that the study does not suggest that Facebook directly causes lower grades, merely that there's some relationship between the two factors. "Maybe [Facebook users] are just prone to distraction. Maybe they are just procrastinators," Karpinski told TIME.com in a phone interview on Monday, April 13.

Karpinski and Duberstein's study isn't the first to associate Facebook with diminished mental abilities. In February, Oxford University neuroscientist Susan Greenfield cautioned Britain's House of Lords that social networks like Facebook and Bebo were "infantilizing the brain into the state of small children" by shortening the attention span and providing constant instant gratification.

And in his new book, iBrain: Surviving the Technological Alteration of the Modern Mind, UCLA neuroscientist Gary Small warns of a decreased ability among devotees of social networks and other modern technology to read real-life facial expressions and understand the emotional context of subtle gestures. Young people are particularly at risk for these problems, he writes, because "young minds tend to be the most sensitive, as well as the most exposed, to digital technology."
Some experts dismiss all studies of Internet use as flawed, since there is no reasonable way to control for the myriad variables that may affect such research. For its part, Facebook declined to address the specific findings of the new study but issued a statement on Monday, April 13, saying that Facebook isn't the only diversion around; TV and video games can be just as distracting as online social networks.

Hee haa haa.

Random thoughts

Its getting hot hot hot in Kolkata. And Im gearing up in my mind to shift to Chennai on a more permanent basis. I said 'more' permanent?? Well, I dont know how Im going to do it. Ill be all alone with baby for the first time. And ALL ALONE. No office to go to (Ill be working from home), no parents to visit, friends... well, one on last count... Not going to office is going to be the biggest change Ill have to deal with. Its an escape for me, more than anything else. And what about the weather. Ive heard horror stories about Chennai summer. Ive lived for two months during my MBA summer project in Chennai and I remember trying very very hard to make it through the nights. :)

The sale season is all but over. South City Mall in Kolkata bankrupted me, almost. My credit card has maxed and I dont have money to pay the bills. So Im glad the SALE signs have come down finally! Recession my big fat... displaying that word in front of a girl is like waving a red flag in front of a bull. Its a four letter word after all though. And like all four letter words it gives a perverse pleasure to fall prey to it... beating heart, flushed face, rushing blood, adrenalin, adrenalin... the works! I was just hoping though that they would wait till my next months salary came in. Oh now Ive got to wait till the next sale to get the lovely black and white top I saw at Marks and Spencer.

It rained last night. After days of scorching scathing burning sun, finally lightning and thunder in the evening and then the rain! Last night was pleasant. But its gone back to the rule of the sun this morning. When we had to read poems in school, I always used to wonder about the heartfelt joy of summer. Summer? Summer sun?? Give me winter any day I would think. But rains are what I love most. Even the seething, acid rainwater logged streets wont get me down on a rainy day!!! Cant wait for the rainy season to start.

Happy poem, anyone?

I write poetry when I am sad, mad or bad. Wonder why rhyme eludes me in happy moments. Like probably I would never see a field of daffodils the way Wordsworth did, or a brook like Tennyson danced along with. I can only see the blood and gore of war, the heartbreak in love, a hundred years of solitude and the unbearable lightness of being.

What do I enjoy so much that I could write about. Write a song on the wonderful world like someone in Discovery Channel did. (Watch it on YouTube, "The world is just amesome"... luurve it totally) An ode to the love I can see in certain pair of eyes. A sonnet on my lovely workplace. In the least a limerick on shopping till my bank account goes bust... even a haiku on window shopping.

You know like...

Wonderlands glimpsed through
Lighted windows
A million things to own
If only pocket would permit!

Yuck!

My next poem will be a happy one. Promise.

A moment turned eternity

I heard a voice sing behind me and turned around
I looked into your eyes and in a fraction of a moment
A song became mine forever.
I wished that moment would not end. and it did not for fifteen years.
Now I try to salvage a bit of that infinity in my limited world.

Limited Love

I drown in this love.
Wave upon wave lash at me,
Pull me in, as I try to claw
My way out on the shore.

Wave upon wave
Covers my head, finally
Water fills my lungs as I draw
Breath, till I know no more.


Greener trees, bluer skies,
Colours burst out in tiny rainbows
Everywhere my eyes rest around me,
Kaleidoscope, long streaks of light.

Im one with the world,
Beauty in airwaves around me flows,
I stumble again, throw up against the tree,
The birds laugh loud as they take flight.


Its a new world-
You are everything I know-
You are my God, my destiny-
I could give my life for you-

Come, torment me.
Like a tumor come and grow
Inside me, Poison me, Tear me.
I will yet show how my love is true.

The cat that loved me

Today my car was smelling of cat once again.

It cannot be of course, because its been days, weeks even, since he travelled, lying prostrate on the back seat, rolled up in towels, set on newspapers to protect the seat from getting wet. His smell used to pervade the car then. I had to open the window and drive for miles to make the car smell a trifle car-like, the way it is supposed to smell.

He was born right next to me; in fact, I would have crushed him if I had rolled over. The mother had hardly met me before so I do not know how she found me trustworthy enough to birth next to my body. He was 'it' then of course, a mousy little creature, naked skin, red, almost ugly, other than that it wasnt because it was a minutes old little cat, Gods creation, the miracle of birth, which I got to witness, and it made me cry. That ugly little critter made me cry out of sheer amazement at the beauty in this world.

Dont really think he knew me at all. For one I hardly saw him after that. Second, he and his brother were growing up, they had all the energy and mischief that little cats have, bounding all over the place, scratching, tearing, falling, rolling. Who has the time for human beings who sit and sip coffee and smile at antics like a matron.

And then he fell from the roof. Not yet a year old, no one knows what he was doing on the third floor cornice. Or how he fell. When he was found, he was not moving. Something had happened to his spine. His legs were not moving, nor his tail. He was eating and his bodily functions were fine. He was probably in shock for days, not showing any signs of pain. We took him to the vet. They were not encouraging, but not discouraging either. X rays were taken. Medicines prescribed. Homoeopathy, steroids... his adoptive parent spent hours drying him with hair dryers and finding innovative ways to feed him the terrible tasting medicine. He showed signs of recovery, moving his legs, twitching his tail. And I kept saying, hell, its a cat, they survive everything.

Then one day I heard that he died. Just like that. When slowly we were hoping he would walk soon, when we knew that he is going his way up the path of recovery, he died, basking in the sun, in his little basket. He is buried under a huge oak tree. He was loved and cared for while he lived, he was cried for when he died. Some humans cannot boast of this honour.

I was not his caretaker. I had not taken him in from the street, so to say. I was just a passive audience to his growth. No one could threaten me into taking care of animals. I do not much like pets. All the extra work! But when he fell ill, he learnt to recognise the car in which he travelled to the doctor. He learnt to recognise me, my voice, as I kept reassuring him, when he would be alone with me. He would purr to glory when I got over my own obsessive compulsive fears and cuddled him. He stopped bringing out his claws whenever I picked him. He started laying his head on my lap when I sat next to him.

And then he died. The only cat that ever loved me. The only animal that ever loved me. And sometimes, I still smell him in my car.

Im in like with Chennai

Another day, another trip.

This time our Chennai resort visit, (which has become a sort of ritual), came early in the stay. We reached on 24th, the booking was for 26th through 29th. We had booked a Rs 6k normal room, but being the festival rush season plus weekend, when we landed, the rooms were all occupied. The people who were supposed to vacate had decided to stay back after all. And there we were, having booked days in advance... Now the only room available was the grand suite, the most expensive on the block. It came at 15k + taxes. And heh heh heh, they of course had to upgrade us for the day... I tell you, it was worth every paisa of our 6k!!! :)) Living room, bedroom, large lcd tv, mini bar, comfy sofas, heavenly bed, and to crown all that, a very personal plunge pool, separated from the bedroom by a glass panel. Oh, how the rich live!!!!

Chennai, at 18 degree celcius minimum temp, was having the "coldest" winter in 10 years. Yes, it was in the papers. So I decided to make use of the "cool" days. Took baby and caught an auto to Pondy Bazaar. Nothing like our Gariahat, but the cooking vessel shops were nothing like Id ever seen before. Oh how I wish I had taken some photos, but I was holding a very sleepy and wriggly baby tight in the pre new year crowd. I couldnt possibly... Next time, promise. Got a couple of the local 'ghagra' for daughter.

Attended a couple of parties, went for the staple city center mall visit, evening beach stroll, the rest of it. Of course it wasnt easy still with the baby. She stopped eating the 7th day, and would not take rice... or any solid food apart from chocolates. She screamed for pepsi anytime we went out. It was a regular nightmare, but I must say, this is my second visit to Chennai after having the baby, and this time around, Im a little in like with the city.

Domestic Violence and Stockholm Syndrome

Read this article the other day which says that victims of domestic violence show similar traits of victims of Stockholm syndrome.

Stockholm Syndrome is recognised as a psychological phenomenon whereby hostages identify and ally with their captors. (The 6 hostages of a bank robbery in Stockholm identified with the cause and later raised funds in support of their captors, hence the name.)

Excerpt from another article on the net-(www.nodo50.org/mujeresred/violencia-am-i.html)
Some theorists have tried to give light to the emergence of these paradoxical bonds between victim and aggressor, mainly appealing to affective or emotional cues developed in the context of the traumatic environment.
Dutton and Painter (1981) have depicted a scenario in which two factors, the power imbalance and the intermittent good-bad treatment, generate in the battered woman a traumatic bonding that ties her with the aggressor through behaviours of docility.
According to Dutton et al., the abuse creates and maintains a dynamics of dependence in the couple due to its asymmetric effect over the power balance, being the traumatic bonding produced by the alternation of reinforcement and punishment.

Domestic Violence and Indian Law: definition
(a) harms or injures or endangers the health, safety, life, limb or well-being, whether mental or physical, of the aggrieved person or tends to do so and includes causing physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal and emotional abuse and economic abuse
(b) harasses, harms, injures or endangers the aggrieved person with a view to coerce her or any other person related to her to meet any unlawful demand for any dowry or other property or valuable security;
or(c) has the effect of threatening the aggrieved person or any person related to her by any conduct mentioned in clause (a) or clause (b); or(d) otherwise injures or causes harm, whether physical or mental, to the aggrieved person.

Types of abuse:
(i) "physical abuse" means any act or conduct which is of such a nature as to cause bodily pain, harm, or danger to life, limb, or health or impair the health or development of the aggrieved person and includes assault, criminal intimidation and criminal force;
(ii) "sexual abuse" includes any conduct of a sexual nature that abuses, humiliates, degrades or otherwise violates the dignity of woman;
(iii) "verbal and emotional abuse" includes-(a) insults, ridicule, humiliation, name calling and insults or ridicule specially with regard to not having a child or a male child; and(b) repeated threats to cause physical pain to any person in whom the aggrieved person is interested.
(iv) "economic abuse" includes-(a) deprivation of all or any economic or financial (b) disposal of household effects (c) prohibition or restriction to continued access to resources or facilities

The psychological reasons given for victims developing Stockholm syndrome are-
1. A threat to their physical or psychological survival
2. An inability to escape
3. Acts of small kindness from the captor (letting the captive live is enough)
4. Only the captor's point of view, and no one else's, is seen and experienced

Given that, a victim of domestic violence may well have these very reasons to start overlooking the negative and supporting the positive sides of the abuser. Often the victim is thankful for the apologies that the abuser comes up with after a spate of violence. The victim is usually without a support system. The fear is too great.

• An abuser usually passes through this stage of abusing and then comes a stage of self pity and apology. The abuser usually apologises and promises romantic sunsets after he has done his job battering his partner. (I am not sexist and use "he/him" only because it is more common that the abuser is the husband)
• The abuser usually threatens with self annihilation or suicide as a means of holding on to the abused. It as also a form of abuse by the way.
• An abuser usually has a violent past or an abusive parent. A deep seated wound in the mind is usually cause for children to become bullies and then to abusers in adulthood.
• Any kind of abuse- Physical, Verbal, Psychological, Emotional, Sexual, Economical- is a means of gaining power of another human being. Abusers suffer from extensive LOW SELF ESTEEM. That is why the need to control someone else.
• Another classic sign- an abuser will BLAME EVERYONE but himself. The partner was torturing, the friends are against him, the whole world is conspiring against him, but it is NEVER HIS FAULT.

Countless women live with the very real threat of abuse and violence in their surrounding environment every day. The feeling of guilt hounds the victim either way, whether it is the shame of accepting that ones partner abuses him/her, or the guilt of having complained. Too many women are still not financially capable of maintaining their course of action. Even if they are, and many many women are otherwise succesful professionals, they stay in abusive relationships for years... decades. It takes a different kind of strength to stand up for your rights. It takes a different state of mind to fight. It takes the capability to be lonely, blamed, victimised in a different way, to say- ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. STOP ABUSING ME.

Some have already done it. We need more women like that.

Israel-India- The link goes beyond terrorism

Here is an interesting article from the NY Times.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/29/us/29religion.html?_r=1

An excerpt:
"The affinity of which both men spoke extends well beyond the shared experience of being the target of Islamist terrorism, or the resulting military and security ties between India and Israel. The softer tissue of human experience — culture, religion, values — also binds Indians and Jews.
“The best way to explain it is that I was telling my daughter, ‘If you have to marry outside India, marry a Jew,’ ” said Shoba Narayan, a writer in Bangalore who has visited Israel with her husband, an investment banker. “The cultures are so similar — the commitment to education, the ability to delay gratification, hard work, the guilt, the fatalism. And I think this is because we are both old cultures.”
Indeed, a Jewish community known as the Bene Israel has lived in India for more than 2,400 years, fully tolerated by the surrounding Hindu and Sikh populations. Yet in its first decades after independence, India was also a frequent critic of Zionism and at least a partial ally of the Soviet Union.
With the end of the cold war, and of a reliable flow of Russian weapons and spare parts, India turned to Israel as a supplier of arms and military expertise, said Efraim Inbar, the director of the Begin-Sadat Center for Strategic Studies at Bar-Ilan University in Israel. Israel now sells more than $1 billion in arms annually to India, including the Falcon early-warning system and sea-to-air missiles.
In a less obvious way, too, soldiers have forged ties. About 30,000 Israelis visit India each year, many of them on lengthy vacations after having finished their army service. They, in turn, have brought back to Israel the food, fabric, music and mysticism of India, particularly its Hindus.
The popular Israeli band Sheva has incorporated Indian instruments and chordal structures into its music. Yoga classes proliferate in Israel. Hindu food, with its emphasis on vegetarian dishes, has been easily adapted for kosher cuisine. An annual festival called Boombamela celebrates all things Indian, if with a somewhat naïve, New Age tilt.
For American Jews of the baby boom generation, the fascination with India began with spiritual searches during the 1960s. Over time, Buddhist meditation became a staple of the Jewish renewal movement and a book by Rodger Kamenetz, “The Jew in the Lotus,” a revered text. By the past decade, enough Jews were practicing some Buddhism to give birth to a new proper noun: Jew-Bu.
Even more recently, the term “Hinjew” has emerged. It does not reflect a religious amalgamation, which would be nearly impossible given Hindu polytheism, as much as it does the cultural common ground of American Jews and Indian Americans who have grown up and gone to school together."

Let Me Stop

I run without destination
Chasing shadows, Ive fought my will
The monsters close in if I stop
So here I am- running still...

Kolkata safe for women drivers??

Time: 10.30 am
Place: Salt Lake Sector 3, near Stadium
Bus No: WB 02 Y 1928

The road is itself bad, horrendous. Anyone travelling that route will know your car is at a risk if you dont go at 20 kmph. I was coming from byepass road toward Salt Lake, travelling to office near PNB. The bus was one of those private buses ferrying people to office in Sector 5.

As I was negotiating the potholes, I was at the extreme right of the road, almost touching the divider but for a few inches. I saw the bus hurtling down from behind me, and slowly inching right, directly towards my car. I honked with all my might, braked, stopped. the bus simply came and hit my passenger door.

Of course I was not at fault. And hence, of course, I had to do something about it. My passenger door was anyway quashed. But I wanted to take the driver to the police. I drove right in front of the bus, in the middle of the road, the bus was trying to swerve and flee... and stopped. There was enough space on both sides for traffic to cross, I had made sure of that. I got down and approached the driver. Even then I could see men hanging their heads out of the window shouting at me to move. Then it started.

The men ranged from my age- early 30-s to late 50-s. They surrounded me, first 5 then 10 then slowly maybe 25... surrounded me and started shouting, abusing, just short of touching. I said call the police, I want this sloved. The moment I said police, they started banging on my car. I was inside the car then having taken down the number of the bus. They started hitting my car on all sides, screaming at me to move. They started pushing my car. A mob of grown educated well dressed professionals... they were getting late for work.

I had a camera phone but I did not take photos. I wish I had taken the photos of the screaming mob and posted them everywhere so that employers would see them, families would see them. Men, employees, surrounding a lone woman in a car and abusing her, trying to intimidate her into moving away. But then maybe they would have taken and broken it anyway.

This is what men in Kolkata do. Nincompoos, good for nothing backboneless saviours of society.